April Fools' Day is the apt time to unleash my no holds barred ridicule of each state, even my adopted state of Texas is in the firing line. If you can't laugh at the state you live in, then please seek asylum to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
Alabama - subtract college football and this is pretty much what the U.S. would like under Taliban rule.
Alaska - don't visit us in summer, you do realize it's Alaska! There's no actual evidence you can see Russia from our vantage point. If you have a few screws loose and originate from the lower 48 you're qualified to Govern us.
Arizona - our weather attracts folk fleeing cold Northern winters, but as a state we rank lower than most cold states in quality of life. We blame coyotes.
Arkansas - a microcosm of the world's richest country - not! If you're a fan of trailer parks, hot springs and Bubba (Bill Clinton) the Natural State is for you.
California - if you search the web or use social media than you better worship the Golden State. We like to think we're as progressive as Canada but having the death penalty doesn't help our cause. Blame our perfect weather for being home to the highest concentration of serial killers.
Colorado - altitude helps with our desires to ski, consume marijuana and stock up on weapons.
Connecticut - still sounds too white and bland, finger pointed directly at NY elites for hiding their second homes here.
Delaware - no one respects our first state status, but they secretly admire our 0% sales tax.
Florida - where snake oil salesman, deadbeat parents and lizard skin oldies live out their last days in stickiness.
Georgia - without the booming film/TV production industry, we would be a redneck's paradise with tasty peaches. Reminder to coastal elites, we gave this country two of the finest bleeding hearts: MLK and Jimmy Carter.
Hawaii - home to America's best healthcare. We open our arms to all those fleeing long snowy winters, if you're from a warm climate you will be denied entry.
Idaho - there's more than potatoes, come and enjoy our dollar store version of the Swiss Alps.
Illinois - shootings are our thing, refer to Abe Lincoln and Chicago.
Indiana - education takes a back seat to basketball, race cars and narrow-mindedness.
Iowa - flat as Kansas and white as Oregon (without the hipsters). I bet you didn't know, we have the best infrastructure in the land.
Kansas - flat as a pancake, sums up the common sense of our residents, no disrespect to Clark Kent.
Kentucky - bunch of inbred racist redneck's, for some reason we wear this as a badge of honor.
Louisiana - without New Orleans we're simply Alabama west. No one can ever take our mantle away as 50th best state, we need the notoriety.
Maine - pristine beauty ruined by crazies lurking in the woods ready to devour outsiders. Relax, we're not all Stephen King caricatures. I repeat, we're the safest state.
Maryland - our corruption tastes better with crabs. Baltimore is America's second most liberal city (in your face 6th place NYC).
Massachusetts - no in between, full of history and no. 1 state for education, yet we have an inferiority complex over NY (23rd for education), and don't mention our obnoxious sports fans.
Michigan - if you drive a car then you better thank us. Don't let the snow fool you, we get 4 proper seasons. Yes, you can still pick up a gun at your local bank.
Minnesota - where you can experience Canada without a passport. It's cold but at least our quality of life is the envy of warmer states. Only state to vote against Ronnie in 1984, in other words, the smartest state in the Union.
Mississippi - we are the time machine state, it's the 1860's all-year round. We are willing to beam into the 1980's, simply for the fact Reagan allowed us to practice segregation publicly.
Missouri - we fail at even being the mean representative of America, we're the 30th best state in the Union. We did produce a President (Harry S. Truman), in case you slept through history class.
Montana - we accept liberals here, so long as they adore killing machines. We think having an Hispanic population of 3.5% makes us multicultural.
Nebraska - Besides a grumpy old man bringing in the visitors (Warren Buffett), we also get corn tourism. Contrary to popular belief some of our population is non-white, a "whopping" 5% is African-American.
Nevada - where else can you take your firearms into a casino and lose all your life savings.
New Hampshire - we provide the most opportunity, yet we fail to attract Millennials.
New Jersey - we have America's second-best education system, yet New Yorkers (ranked 25th) think we're the dummies. Most densely populated state (1210 people per square mile).
New Mexico - Thank You Breaking Bad and Roswell, we now attract meth addicts and alien enthusiasts. You think that's bad, we rank 50th in education!
New York - a thrice married adulterer of the illiterate Neanderthal variety (pretending to be President) on 5th Ave has forever made the Empire State a laughing stock.
North Carolina - don't be fooled by the word North, we're as Southern as they come, bring on segregation!
North Dakota - colder version of Texas (minus the loony Southern Baptists). Also, we get a gold medal in quality of life.
Ohio - tease us all you want for being boring middle America, but we've still produced the most Presidents (7) and had the largest representation in the Union army. We are the antidote to the Confederacy.
Oklahoma - thank goodness for Sooners football, or else we'd be simply known as the wig covering Texas' head. We "value" education, hence our schools are open 4-days-a-week.
Oregon - we celebrate diversity, yet we barely have any. If you don't ride your bike daily, you'll be reprimanded for crimes against the environment.
Pennsylvania - our Amish broker peace between two foreign people, Pittsburghers and Philadelphians.
Rhode Island - at least we get attention during trivia for being the smallest state in the Union.
South Carolina - the north is too liberal for us, we want confederacy to be honored, our DNA is hard wired for racism.
South Dakota - Don't wait as long as Obama (last state he visited as President) to check us out. Unlike most states, we have a sizable Native Americans population (9% compared to 1.3% nationally).
Tennessee - Memphis and Nashville bring in the tourists, the rest of us are just hillbilly's stuck in a time warp.
Texas - everything is bigger in Texas except brain capacity (hence why we own so many guns). We're a state of contradiction - Austin is a liberal mecca, Midland is a conservative bastion.
Utah - don't know if our population/economic boom will finally rid us of the polygamy stigma, but we're trying to join the 20th century.
Vermont - what America would be like if it were part of Scandinavia. Home to America's most progressive city, Burlington.
Virginia - still backward, don't let those yuppies in the north working for six-figures in D.C. fool you.
Washington - chances are you're reading this via a device that relies on software created in the state of rain and tree huggers. "Shock-horror", Seattle is the best city to be a liberal.
West Virginia - John Denver sang about us, yet no one loses sleep over us.
Wisconsin - if Germany were part of the U.S. Blame our extremely orange processed cheese for producing monsters (Jeffery Dahmer).
Wyoming - What Colorado was like in 1950. We still have the smallest population (5.8 people per square mile).
Alabama - subtract college football and this is pretty much what the U.S. would like under Taliban rule.
Alaska - don't visit us in summer, you do realize it's Alaska! There's no actual evidence you can see Russia from our vantage point. If you have a few screws loose and originate from the lower 48 you're qualified to Govern us.
Arizona - our weather attracts folk fleeing cold Northern winters, but as a state we rank lower than most cold states in quality of life. We blame coyotes.
Arkansas - a microcosm of the world's richest country - not! If you're a fan of trailer parks, hot springs and Bubba (Bill Clinton) the Natural State is for you.
California - if you search the web or use social media than you better worship the Golden State. We like to think we're as progressive as Canada but having the death penalty doesn't help our cause. Blame our perfect weather for being home to the highest concentration of serial killers.
Colorado - altitude helps with our desires to ski, consume marijuana and stock up on weapons.
Connecticut - still sounds too white and bland, finger pointed directly at NY elites for hiding their second homes here.
Delaware - no one respects our first state status, but they secretly admire our 0% sales tax.
Florida - where snake oil salesman, deadbeat parents and lizard skin oldies live out their last days in stickiness.
Georgia - without the booming film/TV production industry, we would be a redneck's paradise with tasty peaches. Reminder to coastal elites, we gave this country two of the finest bleeding hearts: MLK and Jimmy Carter.
Hawaii - home to America's best healthcare. We open our arms to all those fleeing long snowy winters, if you're from a warm climate you will be denied entry.
Idaho - there's more than potatoes, come and enjoy our dollar store version of the Swiss Alps.
Illinois - shootings are our thing, refer to Abe Lincoln and Chicago.
Indiana - education takes a back seat to basketball, race cars and narrow-mindedness.
Iowa - flat as Kansas and white as Oregon (without the hipsters). I bet you didn't know, we have the best infrastructure in the land.
Kansas - flat as a pancake, sums up the common sense of our residents, no disrespect to Clark Kent.
Kentucky - bunch of inbred racist redneck's, for some reason we wear this as a badge of honor.
Louisiana - without New Orleans we're simply Alabama west. No one can ever take our mantle away as 50th best state, we need the notoriety.
Maine - pristine beauty ruined by crazies lurking in the woods ready to devour outsiders. Relax, we're not all Stephen King caricatures. I repeat, we're the safest state.
Maryland - our corruption tastes better with crabs. Baltimore is America's second most liberal city (in your face 6th place NYC).
Massachusetts - no in between, full of history and no. 1 state for education, yet we have an inferiority complex over NY (23rd for education), and don't mention our obnoxious sports fans.
Michigan - if you drive a car then you better thank us. Don't let the snow fool you, we get 4 proper seasons. Yes, you can still pick up a gun at your local bank.
Minnesota - where you can experience Canada without a passport. It's cold but at least our quality of life is the envy of warmer states. Only state to vote against Ronnie in 1984, in other words, the smartest state in the Union.
Mississippi - we are the time machine state, it's the 1860's all-year round. We are willing to beam into the 1980's, simply for the fact Reagan allowed us to practice segregation publicly.
Missouri - we fail at even being the mean representative of America, we're the 30th best state in the Union. We did produce a President (Harry S. Truman), in case you slept through history class.
Montana - we accept liberals here, so long as they adore killing machines. We think having an Hispanic population of 3.5% makes us multicultural.
Nebraska - Besides a grumpy old man bringing in the visitors (Warren Buffett), we also get corn tourism. Contrary to popular belief some of our population is non-white, a "whopping" 5% is African-American.
Nevada - where else can you take your firearms into a casino and lose all your life savings.
New Hampshire - we provide the most opportunity, yet we fail to attract Millennials.
New Jersey - we have America's second-best education system, yet New Yorkers (ranked 25th) think we're the dummies. Most densely populated state (1210 people per square mile).
New Mexico - Thank You Breaking Bad and Roswell, we now attract meth addicts and alien enthusiasts. You think that's bad, we rank 50th in education!
New York - a thrice married adulterer of the illiterate Neanderthal variety (pretending to be President) on 5th Ave has forever made the Empire State a laughing stock.
North Carolina - don't be fooled by the word North, we're as Southern as they come, bring on segregation!
North Dakota - colder version of Texas (minus the loony Southern Baptists). Also, we get a gold medal in quality of life.
Ohio - tease us all you want for being boring middle America, but we've still produced the most Presidents (7) and had the largest representation in the Union army. We are the antidote to the Confederacy.
Oklahoma - thank goodness for Sooners football, or else we'd be simply known as the wig covering Texas' head. We "value" education, hence our schools are open 4-days-a-week.
Oregon - we celebrate diversity, yet we barely have any. If you don't ride your bike daily, you'll be reprimanded for crimes against the environment.
Pennsylvania - our Amish broker peace between two foreign people, Pittsburghers and Philadelphians.
Rhode Island - at least we get attention during trivia for being the smallest state in the Union.
South Carolina - the north is too liberal for us, we want confederacy to be honored, our DNA is hard wired for racism.
South Dakota - Don't wait as long as Obama (last state he visited as President) to check us out. Unlike most states, we have a sizable Native Americans population (9% compared to 1.3% nationally).
Tennessee - Memphis and Nashville bring in the tourists, the rest of us are just hillbilly's stuck in a time warp.
Texas - everything is bigger in Texas except brain capacity (hence why we own so many guns). We're a state of contradiction - Austin is a liberal mecca, Midland is a conservative bastion.
Utah - don't know if our population/economic boom will finally rid us of the polygamy stigma, but we're trying to join the 20th century.
Vermont - what America would be like if it were part of Scandinavia. Home to America's most progressive city, Burlington.
Virginia - still backward, don't let those yuppies in the north working for six-figures in D.C. fool you.
Washington - chances are you're reading this via a device that relies on software created in the state of rain and tree huggers. "Shock-horror", Seattle is the best city to be a liberal.
West Virginia - John Denver sang about us, yet no one loses sleep over us.
Wisconsin - if Germany were part of the U.S. Blame our extremely orange processed cheese for producing monsters (Jeffery Dahmer).
Wyoming - What Colorado was like in 1950. We still have the smallest population (5.8 people per square mile).
