Haakon V of Norway (served as King from 1299-1319) is an obvious point of discussion around the dinner table on any given night, am I right? Okay, not all of us share a love for Norwegian royalty, but you might just after you learn about Haakon’s future lineage.
Depending on what fence you sit on, to put it bluntly: do you admire thrice married humans with a penchant for adultery, con artistry, illiteracy, misogyny and racism? Or Do you prefer humans that operate with some semblance of dignity and honor? If you are in the former camp then Norway is now you’re no go-to destination to seek asylum in the event of an upheaval in your current homeland. Haakon is indeed connected by blood to Donny from Queens, NY (I’m unable to type is full name due to my pet peeve of Neanderthals, sincerest apologies to men who live life as cavemen). Another little tid-bit, Iceland’s current President, Guðni Thorlacius Jóhannesson (has one of the more easier names to pronounce in Icelandic) is also related to Haakon, and in turn uncle Donny. To add a little more confusion, Jóhannesson’s wife happens to be a Canadian, by all means be prepared for this to be asked at trivia night.
I guess it’s fate, Norway is trying to imitate Denmark in its racist predilections (incidentally, Haakon himself came from Danish stock, so that just ruined Lego, dam shame we can no longer buy Lego for the kiddies). For those playing nature v nurture at home, a lot can be deciphered from genealogy, I mean Donny has mentioned Norway randomly since losing the popular vote 1102 days ago (this one’s for you day geeks), refer to his inane comments in a meeting with Senators in the Oval Office in January 2018, where he reportedly complained about complained about migrants from Haiti, El Salvador and other “sh*thole countries,”adding “we should have more people from Norway.”
I give my readers (those not fans of thrice married types) to print out t-shirts with the caption: Blame Norway (via Haakon V) for giving the Neanderthal Nuclear Codes. Now, now, lovers of the septuagenarian adulterer can use: God Bless Norway for giving birth to a sociopaths wet dream. I urge readers to wear this on Thanksgiving, the sure-fire way to see which family members are pro Norwegian. If you are surrounded by pro Norwegians, then quietly mention Anders Breivik, like American mass shooters he was a pasty Caucasian that slaughtered innocent folk. This will then lead to wacko conspiracy theories that Breivik was a vehicle of leftist liberals hell bent on disparaging white men who have been hard done by, sadly folks this is what social media has given us.
Norway is a prod liberal nation, one that allows woman full choice to the point where the government subsidizes abortions. It has a massive social safety net and makes one of the highest contributions to foreign aid. Maybe next time a bigot points to Norway and says I want more of them in my country (purely on skin tone), you can fire back by saying: great, at least they’ll bring liberal ideals with them, values that you deem socialist, which is exactly what you despise. Maybe one day when we regain our sense of humor we can once again have a vigorous conversations with people across the political spectrum, until then get your point across on a t-shirt, less chance of getting death threats.
