This time next year, Americans will finally detox from their addiction to a thrice married maniac and focus on the circus that is the Democratic Primaries. That's right people, the Iowa Caucuses kicks-off the election season on Feb 3, 2020. The following is my early form guide for the Natural born citizens of these Unites States wanting to follow in the footsteps of Georgie 'my passion is slaughtering woman and children', Barry 'I dabble with war crimes via drones' Obama and Donny 'my racism and adultery is a winner with Christian conservatives'. Here is your succinct "idiots" guide to the twelve early favorites, brace yourself to start yawning over the hopefuls...
Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., Delaware (November 20, 1942) - 47th Vice President (2009-2017)
Good ol' Joe allowed Clinton a free pass to run in 2016, now he's desperate to be the default choice. Not only is he too old, but his past views on criminal justice are unforgivable. Like William Jefferson Clinton, he to was a big fan of imprisonments, you wonder why mass incarceration is a massive noose hanging around America's neck. Personally, I've lived in the great state of Delaware and have seen first hand his popularity, especially when he takes the Amtrak from Wilmington to DC. A first family from the first state would have a nice ring to it.
Cory Anthony Booker, New Jersey (April 27, 1969) - Senator (since 2013)
The consensus candidate, if he was white he'd be odds on favorite for the nomination. Due to having the wrong pigmentation conservatives target him as an angry black man. as we know being an angry white man gets you elected as America's 45th President. He is a big fan of bipartisanship at a time when it's a dirty word, his fluency in Spanish won't hurt either. No doubt he'll lock down the hipster vote, as he aims to become America's first vegan President.
Sherrod Campbell Brown, Ohio (November 9, 1952) - Senator (since 2007)
even though he is considered one of the more liberal members of Congress, his classic Midwestern persona might just trick rednecks that he's not as scary as those "socialist" California type Dems. If you want to win an election he could be your go-to candidate, after all, Ohio is the lifeblood of this great nation. Home to seven Presidents and the largest contingent of soldiers fighting for the Union army.
Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg, Indiana (January 19, 1982) - Mayor of South Bend (since 2012)
Would become America's first openly gay leader, which shouldn't be massive news as the rest of the world has already beaten us to the punch. Catholic Ireland is run by one and if you're looking to show-off at trivia, drop the name Ana Brnabić (first woman and openly gay Prime Minister of Serbia). Fellow Hoosier and gay conversion enthusiast, Mike Pence is not happy even accounting for the fact Buttigieg is an Afghanistan war vet. He will also become the first polyglot and Maltese-American to hold the highest office in the land - not too shabby!
Julian Castro, Texas (September 16, 1974) - Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (2014-2017)
Another Ivy League educated lawyer, what we need less of in politics. He will get some interest due to be the grandchild of undocumented migrants and an identical twin to Congressman Joaquin Castro. Bizarrely doesn't speak Spanish, which is a no-no for someone from Texas, even our hillbilly 43rd President knows Spanish.
Tulsi Gabbard, Hawaii (April 12, 1981) - Representative 2nd Congressional District (since 2013)
One word: homophobe. That's right, who said a Millennial from Hawaii couldn't be a bigot. Time will tell if her ethnicity (first Samoan and Hindi elected to Congress) and military experience will benefit her in getting away with Saudi views on sexuality.
Kirsten Elizabeth Gillibrand, New York (December 9, 1966) - Senator (since 2009)
Stay clear of this racist. Her resume as a politician include, boasting about getting an A-rating from the NRA and having no compassion towards the undocumented. Now she's doing the rounds on talk shows (refer to her appearance on Colbert, a love-in between two hypocrites) trying to advertise her liberal credentials, won't work, upstate NY Dems have a history of being stuck in the 1950's.
Kamala Devi Harris, California (October 20, 1964) - Senator (since 2017)
Having an Indian and Caribbean ancestry shouldn't be news in this melting pot of the United states, but you know as a married woman without children they'll make a big deal out of everything. She also spent her formative years in Canada. Will she finally become out first Tamil-Jamaican-Canuck President? She gets an F-rating from the NRA, which alone should ensure she loses middle America but gains all the urbanistas support. One major negative: was a little too incarceration ahppy as a prosecutor, will stain her empathy credentials. Vegas odds have her as the early favorite (4/1) to clinch the nomination.
Amy Jean Klobuchar, Minnesota (May 25, 1960) - Senator (since 2007)
This mild mannered descendant of Slovene immigrants was outstanding during the Kavanaugh hearings (in case you forgot, lunatic chauvinist promote to the Supreme Court). She was a critical of the Iraq war from day one (unlike war crimes sell-out, Hilary Clinton) and promotes liberalism in a way that won't offend backward Americans, there's a reason why they call it 'Minnesota nice'. One concerning aspect is that if you look at her voting record, some 32% of the time her views are in align with Donny.
Robert Francis O'Rourke, Texas (September 26, 1972) - Representative 16th Congressional District (2013-2019)
Beto (as he's affectionately known in Texas) mania is rampant across the nation, blame is Kennedyesque good looks. anyone who loses against Ted Cruz shouldn't be taken seriously, but luckily for him he ran in Texas, where losing a tight race as progressive gets you kudos. Having gown up in on the border town of El Paso and being fluent in Spanish don't hurt, what hurts is being too cute trying to be a hipster on the campaign trail changing your pinions to fit in with trends. Also, do we really want a future President who live streams his dental visits on Facebook?
Bernard Sanders, Vermont (September 8, 1941) - Senator (since 2007)
Bernie will go down kicking and screaming, ensuring it's not the last time we hear that America needs to be more Scandinavian. He paved the way for Democrats to own liberalism rather than market themselves as Republican lite, but is that enough for Dems to reward for his 2016 run, we'll know by his 79 birthday if he's the one.
Elizabeth Ann Warren, Massachusetts (June 22, 1949) - Senator (since 2013)
Now that she's confirmed her Native American ancestry, it's safe to say she has the nomination clinched. Using a DNA test for political purposes aside, she's the feisty character hell-bent on winning the states needed to swing the Presidency back to the Dems, namely Michigan and Pennsylvania. The problem is a law professor from Boston lecturing working class folk is a tough sell, then again a billionaire con artist out of touch with 99% of the populace managed to brainwash middle America.
My early prediction: Buttigieg/Klobuchar ticket. I understand that Americans are uneasy about handing over the nuclear codes to someone not conforming to heterosexual norms or the fairer sex, but if we're okay with racist adulterers throwing tantrums in the Oval Office, then why not take a risk on a level headed openly gay female duo - what's the worst that could happen? We could raise taxes to increase our military mite to murder 500,000 earthlings. A straight male Republican President already did that, and he got himself a library in Dallas.
Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., Delaware (November 20, 1942) - 47th Vice President (2009-2017)
Good ol' Joe allowed Clinton a free pass to run in 2016, now he's desperate to be the default choice. Not only is he too old, but his past views on criminal justice are unforgivable. Like William Jefferson Clinton, he to was a big fan of imprisonments, you wonder why mass incarceration is a massive noose hanging around America's neck. Personally, I've lived in the great state of Delaware and have seen first hand his popularity, especially when he takes the Amtrak from Wilmington to DC. A first family from the first state would have a nice ring to it.
Cory Anthony Booker, New Jersey (April 27, 1969) - Senator (since 2013)
The consensus candidate, if he was white he'd be odds on favorite for the nomination. Due to having the wrong pigmentation conservatives target him as an angry black man. as we know being an angry white man gets you elected as America's 45th President. He is a big fan of bipartisanship at a time when it's a dirty word, his fluency in Spanish won't hurt either. No doubt he'll lock down the hipster vote, as he aims to become America's first vegan President.
Sherrod Campbell Brown, Ohio (November 9, 1952) - Senator (since 2007)
even though he is considered one of the more liberal members of Congress, his classic Midwestern persona might just trick rednecks that he's not as scary as those "socialist" California type Dems. If you want to win an election he could be your go-to candidate, after all, Ohio is the lifeblood of this great nation. Home to seven Presidents and the largest contingent of soldiers fighting for the Union army.
Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg, Indiana (January 19, 1982) - Mayor of South Bend (since 2012)
Would become America's first openly gay leader, which shouldn't be massive news as the rest of the world has already beaten us to the punch. Catholic Ireland is run by one and if you're looking to show-off at trivia, drop the name Ana Brnabić (first woman and openly gay Prime Minister of Serbia). Fellow Hoosier and gay conversion enthusiast, Mike Pence is not happy even accounting for the fact Buttigieg is an Afghanistan war vet. He will also become the first polyglot and Maltese-American to hold the highest office in the land - not too shabby!
Julian Castro, Texas (September 16, 1974) - Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (2014-2017)
Another Ivy League educated lawyer, what we need less of in politics. He will get some interest due to be the grandchild of undocumented migrants and an identical twin to Congressman Joaquin Castro. Bizarrely doesn't speak Spanish, which is a no-no for someone from Texas, even our hillbilly 43rd President knows Spanish.
Tulsi Gabbard, Hawaii (April 12, 1981) - Representative 2nd Congressional District (since 2013)
One word: homophobe. That's right, who said a Millennial from Hawaii couldn't be a bigot. Time will tell if her ethnicity (first Samoan and Hindi elected to Congress) and military experience will benefit her in getting away with Saudi views on sexuality.
Kirsten Elizabeth Gillibrand, New York (December 9, 1966) - Senator (since 2009)
Stay clear of this racist. Her resume as a politician include, boasting about getting an A-rating from the NRA and having no compassion towards the undocumented. Now she's doing the rounds on talk shows (refer to her appearance on Colbert, a love-in between two hypocrites) trying to advertise her liberal credentials, won't work, upstate NY Dems have a history of being stuck in the 1950's.
Kamala Devi Harris, California (October 20, 1964) - Senator (since 2017)
Having an Indian and Caribbean ancestry shouldn't be news in this melting pot of the United states, but you know as a married woman without children they'll make a big deal out of everything. She also spent her formative years in Canada. Will she finally become out first Tamil-Jamaican-Canuck President? She gets an F-rating from the NRA, which alone should ensure she loses middle America but gains all the urbanistas support. One major negative: was a little too incarceration ahppy as a prosecutor, will stain her empathy credentials. Vegas odds have her as the early favorite (4/1) to clinch the nomination.
Amy Jean Klobuchar, Minnesota (May 25, 1960) - Senator (since 2007)
This mild mannered descendant of Slovene immigrants was outstanding during the Kavanaugh hearings (in case you forgot, lunatic chauvinist promote to the Supreme Court). She was a critical of the Iraq war from day one (unlike war crimes sell-out, Hilary Clinton) and promotes liberalism in a way that won't offend backward Americans, there's a reason why they call it 'Minnesota nice'. One concerning aspect is that if you look at her voting record, some 32% of the time her views are in align with Donny.
Robert Francis O'Rourke, Texas (September 26, 1972) - Representative 16th Congressional District (2013-2019)
Beto (as he's affectionately known in Texas) mania is rampant across the nation, blame is Kennedyesque good looks. anyone who loses against Ted Cruz shouldn't be taken seriously, but luckily for him he ran in Texas, where losing a tight race as progressive gets you kudos. Having gown up in on the border town of El Paso and being fluent in Spanish don't hurt, what hurts is being too cute trying to be a hipster on the campaign trail changing your pinions to fit in with trends. Also, do we really want a future President who live streams his dental visits on Facebook?
Bernard Sanders, Vermont (September 8, 1941) - Senator (since 2007)
Bernie will go down kicking and screaming, ensuring it's not the last time we hear that America needs to be more Scandinavian. He paved the way for Democrats to own liberalism rather than market themselves as Republican lite, but is that enough for Dems to reward for his 2016 run, we'll know by his 79 birthday if he's the one.
Elizabeth Ann Warren, Massachusetts (June 22, 1949) - Senator (since 2013)
Now that she's confirmed her Native American ancestry, it's safe to say she has the nomination clinched. Using a DNA test for political purposes aside, she's the feisty character hell-bent on winning the states needed to swing the Presidency back to the Dems, namely Michigan and Pennsylvania. The problem is a law professor from Boston lecturing working class folk is a tough sell, then again a billionaire con artist out of touch with 99% of the populace managed to brainwash middle America.
My early prediction: Buttigieg/Klobuchar ticket. I understand that Americans are uneasy about handing over the nuclear codes to someone not conforming to heterosexual norms or the fairer sex, but if we're okay with racist adulterers throwing tantrums in the Oval Office, then why not take a risk on a level headed openly gay female duo - what's the worst that could happen? We could raise taxes to increase our military mite to murder 500,000 earthlings. A straight male Republican President already did that, and he got himself a library in Dallas.
