All is good in America's slaughterhouse

This is what we refer to in the business as a catch-up on lost time vlog. Get ready for a vlog of mass proportions, two parts of pure unadulterated ranting - unscripted off-the-cuff madness! (Please take note, overrated media personalities relying on a team of writers earning 8-figure salaries). 

If you fast-forward, you will be dismembered and thrown into Lake Michigan by Billy Bob Thornton. All kidding aside, just getting revved up for the upcoming season of Fargo. Talking about the short attention span of society, I'll include estimates for the time each rant goes off the rails. 

All rants require a controversial intro!

Part I (4:02)

21st century cavemen (0:20); crime central (1:50); "those people" (3:10)

Part II (4:55)

Shout-out, you know who you are! (0:30); modern-day segregation (0:55); raising one great earthling (2:30); geopolitical tidbit (3:50)

PS. Don't be fooled by the summertime, Chicago is at its finest during winter. Flashback: Jan 28, 2023. (Tabitha, the wonderkid mastered snow walking as a one-year-old).

Footnote: Classic GE timing, shortly after releasing the twelve best stand-alone TV episodes (https://globaleditorial.blogspot.com/2023/06/greg-egg.html), comes along a piece of drama (filmed right here in the Windy City) that might just wiggle its way to the top of the table. I give you 'Forks' - Season 2, Episode 7. The Bear (2022-).

Greg the Egg!

The heading is an inside joke for all my 'Succession' obsessed earthlings recovering from the finale. This is not the first time one of the great (if not greatest) fictional characters has made a cameo on GE.

https://globaleditorial.blogspot.com/2021/12/we-need-more-jabs-gabriels-gregs.html

I think it will take some years to recover from 39 of the most gut-wrenching comedic episodes ever witnessed, might well end up as the epitome of event television. In lieu of this, it's time for a classic GE segue away from the end of the world shenanigans to debate what your eyes deem to be worthy of sitting still glued to a screen. Optometrists rejoice!

Time to introduce a brain exercise that will no doubt end in tears. Name the twelve best stand-alone episodes of drama you've seen in the 21st Century, there's a catch: they must all be from different shows. The greatest ever can be named separately, this is an episode on its own, never to be defeated. To spice things up, gather around with your friends and family, this might well end up in estrangement, but hey, it's worth it!

In my humble opinion, these are the ten best episodes that will forever have a place in the pantheon of the TV zeitgeist. In no particular order, the following can lay claim to being Numero Uno, but only one will never be topped (refer to the episode in bold letters).

'Family Meeting' - Season 7, Episode 13. The Shield (2002-2008)

'The Constant' - Season 4, Episode 5. Lost (2004-2010)

'Signal 30' - Season 5, Episode 5. Mad Men (2007-2015)

'Ozymandias' - Season 5, Episode 14. Breaking Bad (2008-2013)

'The Rains of Castamere' - Season 3, Episode 9. Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

'The Magic of David Copperfield V: The Statue of Liberty Disappears' - Season 4, Episode 8. The Americans (2013-2018)

'I Live Here Now' - Season 2, Episode 10. The Leftovers (2014-2017)

'Buridan's Ass' - Season 1, Episode 6. Fargo (2014-2023)

'407 Proxy Authentication Required' - Season 4, Episode 7. Mr. Robot (2015-2019)

'Plan and Execution' - Season 6, Episode 7. Better Call Saul (2015-2022)

'Connor's Wedding' - Season 4, Episode 3. Succession (2018-2023)

'Everyone's Waiting' - Season 5, Episode 12. Six Feet Under (2001-2005)

I wouldn't suggest viewing these episodes on their own, unless of course, you're a masochist! Make sure you watch the series from the beginning, and when you come up to the episode in question, please clear out your schedule and tackle what will be an excruciatingly painful mind-bending  (in the best possible way).

Footnote: To my Armenian brethren out there (or to anyone that takes an interest in a people that are without doubt the best gossipers among all nationalities - okay, I can make that joke), two of these shows have highlighted Armenians. The Shield goes where no show has gone, glorifying the Armenian Mafia of LA. It's mentioned throughout its run, Season 3 is when it becomes a central focus. Spoiler alert: 'Playing Tight' - Season 3, Episode 1 features amputations by Armenian mobsters. Then there's, Six Feet Under, not enough superlatives can describe this series, but one of the best parts of it was a shockingly comedic death to start each episode. 'I'm Sorry, I'm Lost' - Season 3, Episode 13 (directed by creator Alan Ball) starts with an Armenian expiring (Anahid Hovanessian), pity it wasn't a Kardashian - too soon!

Florida-Texas: commie central on American soil

The Communist Party of China (you know, the ones in charge of planet earth) would like to thank the following jurisdictions in the so-called land of the free for following our orders regarding suppressing the people. Iran, Russia, Saudi Arabia also would like to get on board with their thanks, it's a momentous occasion when Americans finally admit that communist, kleptocratic, theocratic values are the way forward. Who said liberal ideals were winning over everyone in a nation that bangs on about liberty. 

Four key areas where the aforementioned are ecstatic over America getting back to 1939 values. The below list proves China and their illiberal brethren are erasing parts of Lady Liberty's DNA. 

1) Reproductive freedom is forbidden in the Saudi belt of America. For simpletons, states that resemble medieval times. Please boycott the following:

Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia.

*From the moment of fertilization, Texas has control of the fairer sex. If your a victim of rape/incest, then Texas will force you to breed. Another example of theocratic rule disguised as freedom.

2) Capital punishment is still on the books in these deadbeat states: 

Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Wyoming

*Death by firing squad has been reinstated in Idaho, no, I'm not making this up! I guess Putin will slip this tidbit into his next press conference to assure the world that Americans are on board with his human rights agenda.

3) Homophobia/eradicating gender identity is rampant in these disgusting states: 

Alabama, Florida, Mississippi, Montana, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas.

'Don"t Say Gay' is the name of an actual law in Florida. Let me repeat, never ever step foot in this backward fruitcake of a state. My condolences to anyone who lives there.

4) Migrant bashing: Alabama, *Florida, Iowa, Texas. 

Governor of Florida (Meathead Ron, not an earthling that deserves name recognition), product of undocumented immigrants himself, recently signed Bill 1718 that spits on the tired and poor. China is loving this, they to spit on the marginalised, refer to the Uyghurs. Not surprisingly, he has yet to sign a bill taking semi-automatic weapons away from citizens that do way more harm to society.

One can never get enough of the hilarity of states like Florida and Texas, both pride themselves on being limited government oasis', yet are the first to enact laws that allow the government to rule over your bedroom, body, library, school. You know what the likes of Putin do when they are told Russia lacks freedom, they wheel out what's happening in America's south and drop the mic! 

Now, to the antithesis of all of the above: The Land of Lincoln, Illinois. Just to annoy the living daylights out of all the wannabe theocrats, Illinois passed a law that gives businesses the right to install gender neutral bathrooms. Furthermore, this great state is a sanctuary to the undocumented and is the first state to oppose banning books, that's right, kiddies in Illinois can learn about 'the gays' at any age. Floridians are outraged, their state is currently practicing banning books, which is making a character with little mustache very happy in hell.

33%

America's greatest city, the one with the best skyline, theatre, food, museums, sports managed to get a "whopping" 33% voter turnout for the mayoral election. (Sincerest apologies to Greece, you gave the world democracy, but America ain't interested). Some might say there's no passion for democracy due to the 770 homicides, yes, cue the 'Chi-Raq' (2015) reference. See, I can laugh at my adopted city. See, fascists relying on talking heads screaming on cable news, I to live crime talk! 

To the annoyance of everyone below the Mason-Dixon line, it just got a lot more liberal. As of publishing at 11:00 PM local time, Brandon Johnson (no relation to Boris, Dwayne, Lyndon or my mate Ross, you get my drift), a proud union member, all for defunding the police and taxing the rich is the new mayor. 

FYI: I don't often provide links, but this is one of the best pieces for those interested in Chicago voting patterns. Keep an eye out for Boho- Chicago, home to yours truly.

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/chicago-politics-neighborhoods-election/

In light of this, let's pay homage to Chicago by watching two shows that showcase the warts and all of the world's greatest metropolis. No, 'Perfect Strangers' (1986-1993) is not one of them, even though the opening credits will never be defeated by any sitcom. 'Shameless' (2011-2021) and 'The Bear' (2022- ), S1E7 is arguably the greatest single episode of television, up there with the finale of 'Six Feet Under' (2001-2005) and 'The Americans' (2013-2018).

If binge watching is not your thing, (I get that the pandemic is over, screen-watching should be obsolete) then listen to the following tracks that will make you want to relocate. Heck, you might even become a real Chicagoan and listen to these tunes while taking walks on the lake shore during a polar vortex.

'Chicago' (Sufjan Stevens)

'Lake Shore Drive' (Aliotta Haynes & Jeremiah)

'Pulaski at Night' (Andrew Bird)

'Sweet Home Chicago' (The Blues Brothers)

'Via Chicago' (Wilco)

Many folk from the confederacy, including Texas (where 11% of my life was lived, and I still can't fathom how I survived the suffocation by rednecks hiding behind his and their guns) will be vomiting over a city they deem to be a socialist cesspool. One things for sure, it's still a global city, which none of the Southern cities can lay claim to, so, suck on that my friends stuck in 1865 America! If you want further debate, talk to my daughter, standing proudly in this magnificent city.

View from Adler Planetarium

No overrated iPhones were used in the production of this photo, all done by a Motorola (HQ in Chicago).

Let's talk expiry

Time flies, it has been a demi-decade since the article that ruined birthdays was published. 

https://globaleditorial.blogspot.com/2018/03/ten-reasons-why-birthdays-should-be.html

It's only fitting (on yours truly entry into earth day 44 years ago), we revisit the nation's listed to get an update on their life expectancy credentials. 

List from March 11, 2018 (average for both sexes expiry date)

Sierra Leone (44.4)
Angola (45.8)
Central African Republic (45.9)
Chad (46.1)
Lesotho (46.6)
Cote d'Ivoire (47.0)
Nigeria (47.7)
Somalia (47.8)
Mozambique (49.6)
South Sudan (49.9)

List for both sexes on March 11, 2023. Good news, there's no longer a country populace that averages under five decades for expiry. Let's hope in 5 years no country will be under 60.

Chad (52.8)
Nigeria (52.9)
Central African Republic (54.6)
Lesotho (54.7)
South Sudan (55.5)
Somalia (56)
Mali (58.6)
Cote d'Ivoire (59)
Guinea (59.3)
Eswatini (59.7)

No one over the age of 10 should dare blow out candles, or even worse, go on social media declaring they are one year closer to death. Instead, let's all focus on how to make it possible for all earthlings to have a fair crack at living a long healthy life. Or, how about this, those oldies hanging on for dear life in wealthy nation's should try giving up their oxygen to their less fortunate earthling brethren. Won't happen, we all know how greedy westerners are, with their high and mighty 'we will live forever attitude', simply due to life's lottery of being born in an advanced nation.

Let's make a deal: when every nation has an expiry age of over 80 years, then we can go all over social media and force people to like our hideous birthday pics. I think we can all agree, if this downright impossible task comes to fruition, it will be a collective global drop the mic moment for humanity.